Filling the void.

As I sit here today, oldest son is curled up with a book and younger daughters are napping. Everyone is tired from an extreme weekend of hiking, sun, swim and camping. This summer of not working has impacted me on numerous levels causing me to go to some uncomfortable emotional places. The last month or so since the children have been out of school, I am on a major "trip" about them being scheduled and busy. Each day is a marathon of play dates, mountain biking camp, baseball games, gymnastics, vacation bible school and swim lessons and when I return home it is a 12:30 lunch followed by a 1:00 pm nap. As things have slowed down a little, I wonder if being busy is a protective barrier from really being with them. What will their childhood be about? What will they remember most about our relationship?
In addition to this, I have been surrounded by people with dinner parties, pot-lucks, lunches and camping together. Cocktails, exercise, movies and numerous trips to the library for new books. Why the need for other people in my life? Why the desire for a "buzz" and an escape in yet another book? I am curious about this pleasure seeking behavior I am participating in and if this somehow is another attempt to fill a void in my soul.
A void that cannot be filled by my family changing, by gaining their approval or by anything external. I fear that the void I am experiencing cannot be filled by the delightful things in my life like my children, spouse, art, career or any friendship I cultivate. I know, without a doubt it is spiritual.
Raised Catholic, I find myself nearly destroyed by self-doubt and guilt turned inward and at the same time I find Mass a deeply spiritual experience. I also find many Buddhist teachings and the process of meditation to be freeing and fulfilling. Yet, in the daily grind of my life I have not turned mass or to meditation.
I have no answers for myself at this point except to try and be present and to participate in some spiritually fulfilling activities. Perhaps 10 minutes of reading a book could be better used in meditation. I wonder also about loss and how often I experience fear in my life.
Fear-
Fear of facing painful memories, fear of facing people I have had a difficult past with and mostly fear of loss. Over the weekend, I was at the hot springs with the children when Kathryn disappeared. I looked away from her for a moment and she was gone. For about 3 minutes I looked for her only to discover her inside a tube where I could not see her head. Tears, fear, pain and all the worst thoughts filled my head. Although my life is blessed and I have only had good fortune in my adult life I always feel a catastrophe is around the next corner. How nice it would be to be certain that all will be well no matter the difficulty.
I will be 34 this summer and want to grow into a wise woman who "Rides life's waves" to rejoice in the highs and face the lows with dignity and grace.

Got Emu?

A group of us took a homeschooler's field trip to an Emu farm the other day. It was very interesting, to say the least. They make this amazing sound that resembles native drumming. It's very soothing and not the least bit irritating, even when they all get going. They have a 6 hour digestive cycle, so their waste has no scent. Imagine, raising farm animals with no telltale odor! According to the farmers, the most valuable & sought after product in Emu farming is the oil. One of many things that I learned was that emu and ostridge are two different species! I thought they were one in the same!

In nature, the males are the broody ones. The mamas lay the eggs & that's it! The papas bury the eggs & set upon them for weeks (60 days, I think?) with no rest, no food, no water! It is leading up to this time that they build up this thick layer of fat on their backs. The females also build up this layer as they prepare for the cold winter months to come. There is currently no way of extracting the fat & rendering it into oil without killing the bird. I offered the idea of liposuction, but apparently that wasn't a big hit ; )

At this farm they use as much of the bird as possible, including Emu meat! It's supposed to be incredibly lean. They have a little store where you can also purchase various lotions & such made from the Emu oil. The oils are supposed to be good for pain relief & all kinds of skin conditions & ailments, including burns.

The birds lay eggs from November through march and will continue this cycle throughout her entire life! It takes 3 days to lay her egg and then she starts a new one, and so on. The farmers collect the eggs & then place them into the refrigerator--YES, YOU READ CORRECTLY, r-e-f-r-i-g-e-r-a-t-o-r--, where they will set for up to TWO MONTHS prior to incubation and STILL be viable! Isn't that AMAZING? These eggs hang out in the fridge awaiting more hospitable weather in which to enter the world as a wee chick!! My kids are all hoping there is an Emu Farm in our future!

How do you know when to jump?

I spent the day out with the children last Thursday. The entire day. It was exhausting, but it felt great. There were several fires to put out, as usual, but nothing I couldn't handle. I planned ahead & made sure the car was fully loaded with loads of water, snacks, sun screen & extra clothes. The day began with a school visit & ended late at a dinner with good friends. We all slept well that evening. All, of course, but me. The hamster in my head is working overtime...again. I have been toying with sending the two older boys to school this fall, and the school we are considering invited us to attend a field day. It was a lovely visit, complete with the requisite exchange of cards for summer playdates. Those are the best, according to Keegan who thinks himself to be quite popular amongst the 8 year old set.

I liked the school and the teachers seemed pleasant and generally happy and satisfied. I look for that. After our last experience, I've found it's a great indication of the overall health of a school. Although, it's easy enough to disguise when you are aware that you're being observed. I'm far less trusting now. I have pretty high standards and though I do believe children are resilient, I want an educational environment for them that is the best. Obviously, I have been sorely disappointed. Fast forward to homeschooling the last two years.

They do offer many advantages that fall onto the PRO side of my list. They are small, very small. They take the children out at least twice a day in ALL weather. This tells me they have a consciousness around the relationship to performance and being stuck in a chair all day. Preaching to the choir, but it's certainly a prerequisite to any school I plan to send them to. They have a strings program for my little violin & cello players. All of the classrooms are oriented toward the woods, which really opens up the classrooms. There is a local, organic lunch program. AND, when I walked in, it didn't smell like paste & chemicals. That's always nice.

BUT...

...it's a public school. I hate public education. Hate it. The information that they shove down the kids throats is dictated by a test. A stupid test. Brilliant logic! The content is so disjointed that they children never develop a real relationship to the material. The art education is poor at best, and music has been pushed to the margins because of budget crunches everywhere. And who are these kids that my children will be with ALL DAY? Where are their families and WHY are they never around? Where is the COMMUNITY in our kids educations? I thought it took a village? There's so much more, but I'm getting pissed and discouraged, so I'll stop here.

One of my biggest concerns is what my kids will be exposed to. I have worked very hard to protect their childhood. I do not want them to have to grapple with adult concerns before they are ready. They have very limited exposure to media. They aren't listening to popular music (not that it's all sexualized & skanky- I know). Think little house on the prairie & you're getting close. I am proud that they are 11 & 8 years old and are very much their ages. Will that change? I want to know that if I send them off to school that they won't come home from the 3rd & 6th grades & ask me about blow jobs. I'm dreading having less control over their environment. Kids are not kids out there today. It's so disturbing. And just to clarify for all you skeptics out there, my children are not freaks. They are normal, fun, spirited boys. OK, so maybe a little freaky, but that's been there since birth- not a result of protective parenting : )

Apparently there is no environment that is the best. Homeschooling has been the best education that they will ever receive, hands down, but we need a shift (I'm being heartily generous here). I am still so disappointed (heartsick) that my children are not getting a Waldorf education that I have not been able to objectively recognize the mess that was their experience. They weren't getting a Waldorf education in the first place! The philosophy is a dream...my dream. I believed in it, still do. But no longer to a fault. That was quite a lesson! I will NEVER again let another person influence the way I see my children to the extent that I once did. It makes me sick inside to remember how I thought of my child as a problem to be fixed. Never again. Ever.

So, maybe we'll head off to the new school and inevitably sacrifices will be made. I am learning to let go and see the positive in what is available to us, and to not go looking for what is missing. When you have been conditioned to seek out imperfections on a daily basis under a microscope, it's hard to shake that deep of an inclination. But I'm working with it and it's better all the time. That said, the other side to this interesting dichotomy is to stay vigilant for any red flags. I'm trying to stay connected to my intuition. For me, it's been a steep learning curve. I have had issues with feelings of inadequacy. First as a daughter, then a mother and a wife, and as a person. I didn't have a mother, and therefor created this image of perfection that would eventually become my judge. I inevitably always fell far short of expectations, no matter what. My Waldorf experience seriously exacerbated those feelings. That vulnerability led to allowing far too many opinions to become weightier than my own. If I could have only done more of this or that...barf. Waldorf is a way of life for us. We don't need to enroll our children in a school labeled"Waldorf" in order to live it.

Have I talked myself into taking the leap?

TWELVE

Twelve and amazing.
Twelve and amazed.
Twelve and grown-up, yet so young.

Claire

We've always called you "careful Claire". Yet in many moments you are contemplative, cool and full of thought. You are an old soul. My teacher and youngest baby.

happy birthday sweet boy

please be...

The Dark Place...

Understanding why you are the way you doesn't change the way you feel necessarily. This week I have been sailing in a sea of self-doubt, insecurity and worrying what people think of me. Sometimes, coming from a family who thrives on drama and locating your worst attribute then talking amongst each other is painful. Certainly I have participated in this game of recreation through cutting another down, but right now I am the target and I just let it tear me apart.

I have been letting the alarm go off early and then drag my insecure butt to yoga in my thrift store wear and do sunrise yoga among the Prana Zero% body fat women as I wonder what they must think of me? What do they think when my fat stomach, full of stretch marks and my bad clothes? While obviously, I am making snap judgements on them. Then, I beat myself up more because I am suppose to be "meditative" and in my own space. Nonetheless, a sunrise and cool morning air are difficult to argue with as a source of inspiration that carry me through my dark space.

We are due for another long camping trip.

I hate being fragile....

The World's Best Toy

What else? A cardboard box! Amongst the fondest memories of my childhood is none other than the time my grandparents bought a new refrigerator! Man, that box was HUGE! It became our club house, lemonade stand, a barn, a castle, my mansion with servants & maids...you name it! Boxes are the best!

Liam & Bea have not been the closest of siblings sice Liam was kicked out of the "youngest is best club." However, they do have their moments, as evidence of the shots above! Several times Bea tried to wrestle Liam out of HER box by using her head as a plow :) Dear Liam also tried to manhandle his little princess of a sister every chance he got! For the most part, it was silly fun. What a ruckus duo!

Happy Father's Day!

To my love a great father, probably the better parent in this family.

This is for you Lisa....

We offer the following recommendations to increase your safety:

Do not hike alone. Hike in groups, with adults supervising children.

Keep children close to you. Keep children within your sight at all times.

If you see a mountain lion:

• Stay calm. Hold your ground or back away slowly. Face the lion and stand upright.
• Do not approach a lion. Never approach a mountain lion especially one that is feeding or with kittens. Most mountain lions will try to avoid a confrontation. Give them a way to escape.
• Do not run from a lion. Running may stimulate a mountain lion's instinct to chase. Instead, stand and face the animal. Make eye contact. If you have small children with you, pick them up if possible so they don't panic and run. Although it may be awkward, pick them up without bending over or turning away from the mountain lion.
• Do not crouch down or bend over. Biologists surmise mountain lions don’t recognize standing humans as prey. On the other hand, a person squatting or bending over looks a lot like a four-legged prey animal. If you're in mountain lion habitat, avoid squatting, crouching or bending over, even when picking up children.

If the mountain lion moves in your direction or acts aggressively:

• Do all you can to appear intimidating.
• • Attempt to appear larger by raising your arms and opening your jacket if you are wearing one. Wave your arms slowly and speak firmly in a loud voice.
  • If looking bigger doesn't scare the mountain lion off, start throwing stones, branches, or whatever you can reach in its direction without crouching or turning your back. Don’t throw things at it just yet. There is no need to unnecessarily injure the mountain lion. With that said, your safety is of the utmost importance and the National Park Service won’t necessarily prosecute you for harassment of wildlife if something you throw at an aggressive mountain lion does make contact. During the initial stages of a mountain lion encounter, the idea is to convince the mountain lion that you are not prey and that you may be a danger to it.

If the mountain lion continues to move in your direction:

• Start throwing things AT it. Again, your safety is more important than the mountain lion’s.

If the mountain lion attacks you:

• Fight back! A hiker in Southern California used a rock to fend off a mountain lion that was attacking his son. Others have fought back successfully with sticks, caps, jackets, garden tools, and their bare hands. Since a mountain lion usually tries to bite the head or neck, try to remain standing and face the attacking animal.

IMMEDIATELY REPORT ALL SIGHTINGS, ENCOUNTERS OR ATTACKS
If you are involved in a face-to-face encounter with, or an attack by, a mountain lion, contact a ranger at one of the park’s visitor centers as soon as possible or call 415-464-5170. The threat to public safety will be assessed and appropriate action will be taken.

New Pottery

LOVE THURSDAY~

Love is: Warm sun and books in the yard, even though its nearly bedtime.

End of the road...new chapters

We are officially done having children, Scott is 1 week post-op and feeling great. No more frantic fear of getting pregnant, no more artificial hormones, no more fear induced abstinence. I can remember thinking about this just two years ago and it seemed too final, I was too young to stop having babies?! As much as I enjoy the memory of birth and babies and all the feelings that came with it, I know clearly that being with the children I have at the stages they are in are not possibly replaced or enhanced by adding another child. Also, after working as a social worker with foster children who frequently go up for adoption, I can also say if I ever want to add to the family I can easily see it be through foster children and/or adoption of an older child. ::sigh::
In other news we will be taking our first trip alone, on an airplane together for 5 days! This is longer than we have ever been alone. Longer than our honeymoon! My father and stepmother in a highly unusual event decided to visit us for 10 days and asked me if we wanted to take a trip alone, since our oldest will be away at summer camp during that time, it leaves only the little girls to be cared for. I jumped on it! We are headed to San Francisco & Sonoma in July! Please send me any must-do's on your list, its been 13 years since I have been in the Bay Area and my tastes have changed from Dead Shows at the Oakland Coliseum, Hanging on the Haight and shroomin' at Muir Woods to hiking, hiking, drinking wine and inhaling Ocean air. We are considering camping at The National Seashore and riding bikes out at Angel Island (via ferry).
I am also wondering about any must-do wineries???? I really wish my husband would ask to see a Giants game, but no calls on that one.

I have brought home some promising pottery samples...just in time to stop renting my space in the studio, due to lack of time to focus. However, I can always return and we have even discussed setting a studio up here in the yard.

Homeschool Olympics!!

This was a completely kid organized event and it was spectacular! We have an incredible homeschooling community here in the happy valley! I am still marveling over the great time had by all! Thanks kids (and families) for an awesome experience!

My favorite part was when Liam (my 4 year old) hopped in on the last leg of the marathon--but was grouped in amongst the first to finish-- and the look on his face when the crowd roared! He thought it was ALL for him! He drifted from face to face with this enormous grin as he cleared the bleachers of cheering spectators. He looked so flattered. So cute!

Click here and here for the albums!!

The School of Life

We had a bit of an off day today here in the land of heat waves, tics, & homeschooling. We, (ahem) correction, THEY made an executive decision to take a mental health day. There was much fanfare over dressing up, creating a play, an improv session of silly riddles & songs, and talent show.

Stage names are as follows (don't ask):

Liam: Alex-salamander The Great
Keegan: Caramelized Sugar
Daniel: High-Fructose Corn Syrup

And...ACTION!

Here they are, any ideas for a group name?

Presenting: Liam & his rainbow sock puppet!

Daniel the Magnificent!

Keegalator!! Soon you will feel very sleepy...

The Hamilton's Four!

CUT!
That's a wrap!

Click here for full album!

What's Claire Reading for bedtime?

Why its....Goodnight Bush...take a peek.

Vegan Eating & Harvesting

Life has been dreamy and peaceful and calm. Eating this way has been difficult only in the sense that I must cook un-vegan food for the family and that I have licked yogurt off of spoons on countless occasions. ARGH! This is dinner for the past two nights...

Soba Noodles with spicy peanut sauce, grilled tofu and fresh broccoli
Homemade Pizza with fire roasted tomatoes, caramelized onions, roasted garlic, olive oil, red pepper, nutritional yeast on my pizza dough which includes ground flax seed.

I promise to post a something substantive soon, I am not really at the computer at all lately.

content?

This is an excerpt from Just Another Crunchy Mama's blog
after the recent birth of her twins:

"I am sure that I'm done having children. I am insanely happy with my family and my two little babies. I have no more desire to be pregnant. It's just not there anymore. Any doubts I had after Isabella are gone. I was so worried after we made the decision to be "done" when she was an infant that I would change my mind. After all, I'm only 30 years old. I could have babies for the next 10-15 years and I'm awful young to be sure that this is it forever. And yet, that burning desire I've felt to reproduce for the past 10 years is just.....gone. I'm so content it's sort of sickening.

But for one tiny little glimmer of a moment this morning I was a little nostalgic. I'll never feel those kicks again. Never have tiny baby feet prodding my skin, wondering what's on the other side. Never anticipate the birth, never give the last push, never hold a tiny, slippery newborn. I'm really comfortable with that choice, but I was just the slightest bit sad. It really is just the moment amazing thing in the world."

I'm addicted to having babies. Addicted to that experience- everything she just wrote...and more.

So much more, that the very thought makes my voice quiver,
my breath catch in my throat.

The images that make up my life, that give me meaning, an identity even...are all tied to birth.

Will I ever be that sure? That contented?

I am 33 years old. My husband is 31. My first child was born when I was 21. Practically a baby myself. My last (last?) was born (last?) on May 20th, (last) 2007 (last?). I have four (count them, 1--2--3--4--) children from the ages of 11 down to 1...newly 1.

just 1...really.

practically an infant.

one.
the last one.
ever.

Am I ever going to stop mourning the end of my new babies?

Here I am in Cape Cod when she was still just our little secret...

Here she is just after birth:

Those hands. Those long, slender fingers:


First time meeting Grandma, and Grandma's first Granddaughter:

Here we are at her first trip to the river:

And so much more...

And now:


And now... what?

Morning Musings: Garden & Such

Click here for a link to the photo album!

Thanks for looking!

Weekend Warriors: Festivals, Baseball, Visitors & Roadtrippin' II

To view the album, click here!


Enjoy your day!

Weekend Warriors: Festivals, Baseball, Visitors & Roadtrippin'

Click here for the album!


Thanks for looking!