Love Thursday- Loving Your Inner Parent

September 2001-First Day of Kindergarten

7:45 am, the boy cannot find his sneakers anywhere. I tell him to wear his hiking boots but he says one is in his locker at school. I remind him to brush his teeth again and ask him if there is any chance a day will come where I do not have to remind him of this task. No response. 8:15, late for school he locates the sneakers in his closet under many random items. My mind is busy, why does he seem to lose everything? A phone, an expensive calculator, books, pens, sweatshirts, ski gloves it exasperates me to such an extent I cannot talk. What can I do to stop this?! It must be my fault.
I have gotten to my cup of cold black coffee, too busy getting everyone ready and packed. Thinking... why don't you get this done the night before instead of reading in bed Bridge?! Stupid mom! Why can't you be a "good parent"?
I am cold and short with the young man until guilt gets the best of me and I soften up. Kissing his head and sending him off with my love and apology for grumbling.

My childhood was an exercise in self-preservation and struggle. Independence was a given. For me, raising my children to be successful meant a certain level of privilege in their lives. A certain level of not having to be a "little adult". I never wanted them to feel the way I felt growing up-impoverished, unloved and alone. We now live in a community where the schools give free "Love and Logic" classes to help parents cultivate independence in their young children. In other words, children are so privileged that they depend on their parents to save them and negotiate the details of their lives. On the other hand these children also feel entitled to a level of respect and seem to have more confidence, at least more than I had. I look at my son, he has confidence in himself, even if it means confidence in his own disorganization. He has a sense of self-efficacy, even though he expects a lot of us as parents. In the book, The Price of Privilege, author Madeline Levine spells out the emotional issues stemming from parents who demand achievement resulting in children who are not internally motivated, but robots trying to live up to their parent's demands. Her message resonates with me, especially the possibility that there is value in teaching him hard lessons and letting him fail. For my rules or acts of disapproval will temporarily motivate him to make A's or keep track of his possessions, he can only truly be happy if his motivation is from within. In other words, I need to shift some of the responsibility for his life from me over to him.

I went to work out after dropping children at school and listening to the book "Nonviolent Communication" on CD. On this CD, Marshall Rosenberg states that to ensure you will be unhappy and depressed as a parent, just convince yourself that there is such a thing as a perfect parent. If you convince yourself of this, you will be searching for reasons to feel guilt, shame and anger. What a perfect message for me to hear today. Somehow, the message I need finds me one way or another.

So,another exercise in "Loving My Life". I am imperfect and flawed. Sometimes, maybe we just need to love the "inner parent" and hope it translates into some good parenting.

Happy Love Thursday, love your inner mom or dad today!

Love Thursday- What Makes Me Smile

Recently a good friend who is struggling called my husband and I the "Peanut Butter and Jelly Couple". It struck me as odd at first because it seems that we argue a lot, especially when we are stressed out or feeling defensive. Lately, I struggle to remember the times in our early marriage that seemed to be pure bliss. Were those moments even real? Ah, the first home we fixed up together, so happy while we lived with no kitchen or living room working late into the night. The joy of having new babies together! The passion, the all night conversations. Those early years were ideal. These days he wishes I would give more back rubs, love golf as much as him and volunteer for fewer things. I wish he would go to yoga, learn to cook and talk more. Yet, I do see the truth in what my friend says. We stick together and support one another in our own subtle ways. Our relationship is a quiet (sometimes not so quiet) dance of hard, easy, happy, sad while always real. My friend says the peanut butter and jelly comment really has to do with complementing one another with your differences. Complementing so well that it just somehow sticks. That, makes me smile.

Picture 203
Originally uploaded by korcepaul

Dinner with family and friends,
Good wine.
Warm fires.
Conversation.
Skiing.
Lots of snow.
Cold nights at home.
Popcorn.
Baking.
Candlelight.

At Last...

Obama Triumphs
Originally uploaded by korcepaul

Leadership in times of confusion.
Communication when words between nations are tense and short.
Competence where there was ineptitude.
Rebuilding confidence where there was mistrust.
Unity where there was division.

Today I honor the wisdom of Americans to make a choice for our future. To choose a leader who will lead us through a shift in conciousness and the task of rebuilding our legacy.

Thank you.

Cold & Sunny

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Originally uploaded by korcepaul

No matter how long the winter, spring is sure to follow.
Proverb

We are all hanging out, cleaning, cooking a late breakfast puttering around in general. Although we plan to go outside this afternoon for some skiing and play its nice to think about the beauty of a Spring afternoon. I am lucky, I get snow and sun where I live.
If you are bundled up on a below zero day, this is to remind you that Spring will come.

On Humility

If you read my post discussing cooking several days ago, you heard me patting myself on the back for my frugal cooking. Last night, my husband and son came home late from batting practice at the gym. I began to dish up the potato, corn & green chile soup I had prepared for dinner yesterday and they both informed me that they were not hungry.
With sheepish grins they told me they were starving, sick of my frugal cooking and needed to have a real meal- burger, fries, pop. As my son eloquently put it, if I eat one more bowl of your soup I'll puke. Here's to humility and the lessons that holds.

winter sunset

winter sunset
Originally uploaded by korcepaul

Winter Sunset II

Winter Sunset II
Originally uploaded by korcepaul

Sunset Silhouette

Sunset Silhouette
Originally uploaded by korcepaul

Love Thursday- Love In the Morning

Morning walk in the cold of winter when my mind tells me stay in stay warm, fold laundry, make beds, dishes, so many bills, so little money. The need for the morning walk outweighs the inner chatter and I understand why rituals are important. Perhaps rituals (IE good habits) force us to do the thing we need even when our busy mind is trying to keep us busy in other ways.

I walk, with my coffee quickly cooling, my camera and the sky is a blue I can lose myself in with the understanding all will be okay. So, thank you all who inspire me and bring me new ways of looking at life. Thank you for your stories, images and vulnerability. Love.

riding the wave on a rant and a prayer

I've been down and out lately. Can't quite put my finger on it, but avoiding reflection doesn't exactly lead to clarity or growth. I'm part bored, part overwhelmed, part pissed off, part lucky, part lost and...I could keep going. You’re about to get an earful…it’s been awhile. No matter how I come off, I just need to get this off my chest. Please be gentle in the comments. I’m feeling pretty fragile these days.

I've dropped out of my ordinary routine, which feels good at first. It's been a bit too long without friends or a social scene, without yoga, without something just for me. Isn't it funny, living in your comfort zone will ultimately be your downfall? I keep repeating, “Love the season you’re in, you can’t get it back.” I have so many mantras, so many helpful techniques and none of them are pulling me up and out. I can’t get past this.

This time of year, this time around sucks. I find myself feeling shameful for where I am- my body, my parenting, my communication skills in my relationship, my goals not met and further away each day, my dreams unrealized. I’ve lost touch with myself and I don’t know what I want anymore. I'm growing bitter and resentful. I ask myself, why them and not me? What did I do wrong? Will I ever get there? I don't live in this place, but boy am I here a whole lot lately. How do you balance the:

I am grateful for my life and all the overflowing abundance!
with
I am not living the life I want.

How? I'm trying and have been so hard for so long. This is not new. The thing is, each year I tell myself (I hinge all my hope on, that is):

"NEXT YEAR I WILL BE IN A VERY DIFFERENT PLACE!!"

Well, it's next year,

again.

Here I am still. I feel powerless. I have no control.

Now, I know what you're going to say. I say it myself. BUT (wait for it...here it comes) this is different. But really. It is. It's about (drum roll) money. Well, not having it, to be specific. I'm a farm loving gal with farm loving kids. I have homesteading in my blood. Gardening, do it yourself, living off the land, cheese making, goat milking, compost heaping, hillbilly hoedown kind of person here!!

Psst…Did I mention we live on the 3rd floor of an apartment building in a 1000 square foot space with 4 kids and no storage space? My over educated underpaid husband makes enough for us to continue to live here...our 5 year "transition." My kids are exposed to things that appall me on a daily basis--just because we live here. There is NO privacy--even outside you're in a fish bowl. While inside, you get the lovely advantage of hearing ever little thing from all around you and they too hear you. It's a violating experience. I grew up with no privacy and it REALLY worked me over and this situation is taking me right back. My kids wake to fighting and loud music coming from below. We even hear our neighbors having sex. I can't get comfortable. Do you know what it's like to live somewhere where you constantly feel like an impostor? I have no ownership, no sense of home to come home to.

But, when you don't have the money, this is what you get. Correction, this is what I get. Me. How did I get here? I feel so stuck. Sick to my stomach and more ashamed and saddened each day. I feel like I've let my kids down and that they deserve better. I’m questioning all my choices, going over my decisions and wonder ‘where was my misstep?’ I find myself growing so cynical, and meanwhile my children are growing up. I've put on this brave face for them for years now. I can't do it much longer. My older guys are constantly asking me difficult questions about our circumstances and when they're going to change. Good question. For both their birthdays they wished to live in their own home. Kill me now.

I constantly point out the advantages of living here…how lucky we are. The cracks are starting to show and at their age with their level of persistence, and with my current state it’s hard to keep it up- the facade that we are so lucky, so so blessed. Part of me still feels it, but this is not what I wanted for my family. I know I sound like an asshole. I know what I should say, but today, I’m just going to let out what I’ve been reframing for(what feels like)ever. I seem to be the one responsible for the happiness in our home. Do other mothers’ feel that? If mom’s a mess, well…the pressure sucks and I’m about done.

I'm afraid- my biggest fear- is that I will be one of those people, still pining in their old age for that thing they'll never have. You always hear them saying things like, “one day”, with defeat in their eyes and all about them.

How do I fix this? If I live here forever, let’s just say, how do I live with it? What it comes down to is that nagging feeling of being unsatisfied, having limited choices with the knowledge that there is so much more but it’s just out of reach. I can see it.

I always thought that you could will your circumstances to change. Positive thinking creates change! Bullshit. Lack of opportunity, lack of choices all come with the fucking lie that we bought into- go to college, get good job! What, exactly does “good job” mean? Neither my husband nor I would trade our education for the world, but we'll be paying for it FOREVER...and so will our children. How ethical is it for a college to charge such an exorbitant fee when you will NEVER (in his discipline) earn enough to justify the expense? It's not right.

We have no family money, had kids young, and worked our asses off finishing college then putting him through grad school with little ones in tow. We have gone through so many incarnations and still I pressed on, with little doubt. I pumped him up, the kids, my friends- all will be as it should. No worries. Live here now. We watched our friends buy houses, get raises, bonuses, cars, get married, vacations, start businesses, write books, meet and then surpass their goals. I don’t require much. I have a loving, kind husband and incredible kids already. What more could I ask for? I want a home. I’d like a simple little house on a modest bit of land. Why, oh why is it so much to ask?

Years have passed since the first glimmer of thinking this is the hard part- if I can just get through this... . I kept at it, all while keeping the end goal in mind. ONE DAY, I'd tell myself.

one. day.

Food from the heart.

Its a sunny Tuesday morning, I am sitting here finishing up my coffee and watching a content little girl cut paper with scissors. This is a passion of hers so despite the amount of cleanup involved, I just try and let it go.

Life is good, life is quiet. We have been marveling at the sheer speed in which groceries disappear from the home. We have not gone out to eat in ages! We all have been taking lunches to school, work and play dates. Its refreshing to see no leftovers at all. I have been getting frugal about my shopping decisions purchasing 25lbs of local flour, 10lbs of local pinto beans and much to the dismay of my carnivorous family members I have limited the use of meat. We have also substituted by making oatmeal for breakfast rather than the cold cereal, yogurt and eggs that were a staple. I do not eat meat, I had tried to do a vegan diet last spring, it was too difficult for me so I let it go after a few months but the meat thing stuck so there ya go! I have noticed huge amounts of money remaining in our misc. spending budget have increased significantly. So much that I have been able to purchase airline tickets for our family to travel to New York to see great-grandparents and auntie Earthmama. We found tickets for $170.00!!! Our grocery budget has increased a bit therefore purchasing things in bulk seems to be a good solution. I love to make soup in the winter. Yesterday I made a curried lentil soup with carrots, spinach and onion in my crock-pot.

Curried Lentil Soup
2 cups lentils
1 can coconut milk
2 cups of vegetable stock
1 cup finely minced carrots
1 package frozen chopped spinach
1 finely chopped onions
4 cloves minced garlic
soy or tamari to taste
brown sugar to taste
curry powder or paste to taste
(top with plain yogurt & finely chopped cucumbers)

I really want to make some homemade bread, however I have had terrible luck baking bread at this altitude, any ideas?

Today I am using the crock-pot again (how 1970's of me;)

Vegetarian Chili with Quinoa
2 chopped onions
3 chopped green peppers
1 small roasted, chopped eggplant
1 head of chopped garlic
2 large cans of tomatoes, tomato puree & whole plum tomatoes.
1 cup water or stock
1 can corn
1/2 cup dry quinoa
kidney beans, black beans, canellini beans
1 envelope chili flavoring

I have no idea how many it serves, this is what sit on my counter and I always welcome left-overs I can freeze.

There is something deeply satisfying in cooking for your family, nourishing them with food made from your heart.

Thanks for the photo links to my great friends over at LOVE YOUR LIFE on FLICKR

May you let a little in.

Picture 550
Originally uploaded by korcepaul

Have a great week.

Facing fear

Picture 565
Originally uploaded by korcepaul

Talking about that difficult memory.
Trying that new thing.
Falling hard at 34.


No really, I learned to ski this winter, that's all. It hurts to fall, but makes me feel like a little kid.

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back...

This week has been an amalgamation of bloating, insomnia and craving for unhealthy nourishment (which is not really nourishment is it?)

For one, I have been listening to CNN at the recreation center where I go to run when its too cold and icy out. Critically looking up at the monitor I have been cringing at job reports (not this bad since 1945), I will be looking for a job in the Spring since all of our children will be in school full-time. I wonder, will I be able to find a job? If I listen to CNN enough, it seems I never will. I also wonder why anyone needs to know the school lunch menu from the Obama children's school? I have no idea of the lunch menu at my own children's schools for that matter. Why is this news? When did news anchors become so silly and inappropriate? For example, the news anchor discussing her chin hair being waxed and her stock portfolio. There, my workouts have caused me more stress...I am attempting to love life, right?

Next week, David Bowie & Beck (my favorite work-out music) will be joining me for a hot sweaty run. I should also get to the 5am Kundalini Yoga class because I am up already.

Leading me to the next struggle, sleeping. My busy mind wakes me up in the middle of the night. I am tired, but continue to take this as a message to channel this early morning energy into something else. Such as, long handwritten letters to my three grandparents back east, gratitude journaling, reading, cleaning, meditating and yoga-ing seem to be the main theme of my early mornings. Yet, lack of sleep makes me fragile and slow. Especially in the evenings. I will find a solution to the sleep thing soon...I just know it!

And of course my monthly craving for all things sugar, carb & bad. Help me to love oranges as much as milk chocolate or buttered popcorn with red wine. Please universe!?

Of course life is not always going to be easy and happiness is not a given. I believe that loving my life is something different from happiness. Its about feeling it all and wanting it the good, the bad, the fat, the worry and the lack of sleep.

Although sometimes, in the early morning the sun rises over the mountain and I sip my coffee to that beautiful sunrise knowing I am here for a reason.

Uncertainly yours,
Bridge

PS: Random (as random as 2/5 can be statistically speaking) Winners of my amateur pottery are Wayfaring Wanderer and Sorrow...I will be in contact for your mailing addresses. I would like to do a drawing every month or so and send a little of myself out into the world.

love thursday

Love of creating-
life
food
art
family
happiness

Its not always easy but its worth it. Join Karen at Chookooloonks for her Love Thursday post discussing going back to everyday life after the holidays. I share her feelings this week-appreciation for everyday blessings. For the divinity in the seemingly mundane!

Leave a post today and I will draw a winner or two to receive a piece of my newest treasures from the kiln.

"This I Believe"

I love my weekly NPR downloads to my IPOD, especially StoryCorps and This I Believe.
The simplicity of a conversation, the meaning in a story and the significance it has to me as I find my own path is astonishing.

I believe in God, I believe in Love, I believe in You.
What is it you believe in this cold winter day?

Winter blessings.

Picture 523
Originally uploaded by korcepaul

We are living in a snow globe. The weekend has been full of warmth and large fluffy snowflakes that melt on your coat while you make out the intricate detail before it disappears. The family has been skiing for two days and I am learning to ski side by side with my 3-year-old. My legs are tired. The house is quiet.
Back to life and schedules tomorrow, it feels good.

Winter Joy.

Picture 502
Originally uploaded by korcepaul

Happy New Year-2009- Resolution: Love My Life

Well Happy New Year, I am always so pleased to see a new year start fresh and a bit mournful saying goodbye to yet another year. Are you really going to be 35 this year? Yes.

I have no resolutions to list out here, but for some time I feel life heading in a new direction. Not the life on the outside of career, family, working out, etc., but the heart of who I am-that simple mechanism of seeing life as good. Yes, that fine art of happiness. Each year I list out my goals, but underlying each goal is the idea that it will somehow bridge that gap to true happiness. Each goal unmet is reason for self-loathing and dissatisfaction. Each goal met has meant a desire to be better, to meet the next big goal, to have a better garden in front of the beautiful home I was so happy to get in the first place. So, no goals, no resolutions. Just a promise to myself to love my life. So many people do not, yet so many people do-

And they do in the most dire of circumstances. The woman who has buried her children due to war or illness or accident who can beam with gratitude for the other gifts in her life (I've known her). The child who lost parents, home, limb due to war (I've read his words), yet he has hope and loves the life he has. People who become ill and begin to see the gifts in their life now that they face death as a emerging possibility. I wonder, does significant loss give way to more appreciation of life?

Then what leads many others to never feel satisfied with an unending litany of wonderful events, achievements and financial success? Yet here I sit with my feeling and thoughts seeing limits where there is unending possibility. I should see that in the moment, but many days I see the beauty of the day retrospectively. The "shoulds" are endless.

I should work out more.
I should eat well.
I should drink more water.
I should not be angry.
I should have friends over.
I should have my eyebrows waxed more.
I should check the oldest child's homework more diligently.
I should not argue with the 6-year-old in the morning.
I should remember my vitamins.
I should not be planning dinner at a meditation retreat.
I should make love more.
I should not talk badly about my mother.
I should not make fun of my father for flicking his cigarette in his shirt pocket.
I should play more music, less news on my IPOD.
I should sing out loud more.
I should play more board games.
Make more art.
Help more people.
Listen more.
Give more.
Clean less.
Laugh more.

It just really seems that these "shoulds" come with happiness. No matter the goal, I think what we all really want is to be happy. So for me, this means loving what is here in front of me. Loving my life. Could it be that when we love our life, the goals we have (at least the important ones) will fall into place? I hope to find out. This year is just that, that of loving my life and the multitude of lives intertwined with my own. No matter what comes my way I hope to accept what hurts with love. I also hope to accept what I love with gratitude.

This seems that the world is uncertain, I become so saddened by events occurring around this world of ours. After leaving my job to care more for the family, our significant investments for college and retirement are less than half now. My husband's business is facing many difficulties with the housing downturn. I lie awake with worry, how can I make this all work? I also think how many others are lying in their beds awake, thinking, worrying and then it is somehow clear that I am not alone in this.

In the midst of all around, the best gift I can give myself, my children and the world is to love my life.

This is what I mean by the "Love Your Life Project". I have started a Flickr Pool where we can send our photos that represent us loving our lives where we are. I plan to feature these from time to time as well as honoring books, stories and blogs that are inspirational. I am here at my humble beginnings of trying to cultivate gratitude where their was despair. To cultivate compassion where there was anger. To be gentle with myself and others where there was sarcasm and aggression.

Ninth Annual Weblog Awards-My Nominees

I nominated some of my favorite blogs for this award, there are many categories. I left many spots blank because I just don't really read that many blogs. I am still working on my new year's blogpost. I have been putting some thought into it (for a change). Have a great weekend.

Food Blog:
Kaylyn's Kitchen

Craft Blogs:
Angry Chicken
Soulemama

Humorous Blogs:
Honea Express
Motherhood Uncensored

Political Blogs:
Momocrats

Best New Blogs:
Peculiar Mama
Ms. Ellaneous
Irregular Tammie

Best Photography Blog:
Red or Gray
Today is Pretty

Best Australian Blog:
The Comfy Place

Best Kept Secret Blog:
Life With Hannah and Lily
Cheerio Road

Best overall blogs:
Jen Lemen
Bitch PhD.
Greeble Monkey

Feel free to make your own nominations here at the 9th Annual Weblog Awards